Harry Potter and the Facelift of Doom
by CaptainSammish
Summary: Harry, Seamus, Dean, Neville and a nonsensical character named Lulu go off in search of Ron when he is kidnapped by the facelift loving Lord Voldemort! Rated 'T' for language and notforweakstomach sections.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I obviously own nothing related to Harry Potter. The only thing I own in this story are the lyrics to the 'Michael the First' song (although they are based on the lyrics to the song 'Henry the Eighth' by Herman's Hermits) and the character Lulu. Which is not much to brag about, trust me.**

_A/N - This is my second parody, meaning that I have finely honed my parody-writing skills by now and it is written slightly more in the style of Harry Potter than my first one, which I may post here later and relates to absolutely nothing. Anyway, there's language, disturbing statements made by Neville and possibly some sex/drug references. Nothing really scary, but just leting you know in advance. Enjoy!_

**PART 1**

It was early Saturday morning. Awake in his dormitory, Harry rubbed at his eyes and slowly pulled open the hangings. Reaching out blindly, he found his glasses and deposited them on his nose. Moving quietly, so as not to disturb Ron, he went to the foot of his bed and withdrew the clothes he had been wearing yesterday. Beginning to dress, he abruptly realized something was wrong. It was far too quiet.

"Ron?" he called softly. Nothing. Moving towards his friend's bed, Harry threw back the curtains - and discovered Ron wasn't there. "SHIT!" he hollered, accidentally waking up Seamus, Dean, Neville, and Lulu, who wasn't supposed to be in their dormitory at all. "I can't be a SuperHero without a sidekick! It's time for me to go save his ass. By the way, Lulu, where did you put the wet wipes?"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...hideout...

...thing...

...Voldemort was sitting on his throne, gazing down at the newly-awakened-from-being-Stunned Ron, who was staring about blearily.

"SO, Weasley!" he bellowed. "What do you think of my new facelift?"

Ron stared up at Voldemort, completely nonplussed. "Facelifts? Aren't those like...for women?"

"I AM TIRED OF BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST!"

"So, uh...is there something you're trying to tell me?" Ron demanded.

"WHO TOLD YOU!" Voldemort roared.

"Told me what?" Ron asked, confused.

"That I'm a cross-dressing woman named Veronica!"

"Er...that is unhealthy," Ron said, eyes bugging out.

"I'll say," agreed Bellatrix, wandering into the room. "He's had more facelifts than Micheal Jackson."

"Who's Micheal Jackson?" Ron ventured to ask.

"I wrote a little song about my good friend Mikey," Voldemort replied. "It goes like this." He began to sing loudly. "I'm Micheal the first, I am, I am. Micheal the first I am, I am. I got a facelift from the surgeon next door, she's given me a facelift seven times before. And all the time I grew whiter, but I didn't give a damn. I'm don't wanna turn into an old man, I'm Micheal the first, I am, I am."

All of a sudden, a box of wet wipes appeared on the floor in front of Ron.

"OHMYGOD! Are they Wet Ones?" Voldemort demanded.

"Yeah."

"Gimme gimme gimme!"

"Yeah, okay..."

There was a period of silence as Voldemort proceeded to lick every single one of the wet wipes. "There, now no one can steal them. I do this to my food, too. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there." He giggled. "As a child, I was always forced to hoarde my food."

"No you weren't."

"I know. I like to make up stories."

"I think that's called being a compulsive liar."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, I don't think I am one, then."

"YOU LIE!"

"Do not! 'kay, if you keep this up, you are NOT allowed coming to my birthday party!" Voldemort humphed.

"Oh, there's a tragedy," Ron replied, rolling his eyes.

"It IS! We are going to have a gingerbread house cake thing this year!"

"Old news."

"It is?"

"Yeah. I read it in the tabloids months ago."

"Damn."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

...common room...

...thing...

"We need a plan to defeat Voldemort," Harry declared, pacing up and down.

"I've got an idea," Neville said meekly.

"Okay, let's hear it."

"Well..." Neville said hesitantly. "We can lure him out of his lair, then while he's distracted, go in and take Ron back."

"That's a rather stupid idea, considering we haven't any means to lure him out!" Harry said, frowning.

"Oh, but we do," Neville replied.

"Oh yeah?" Harry countered.

"Yeah," Neville responded. "He has a shoe fetish. If we leave a pile of shoes outside, he'll for sure come and check it out."

"How would you know something weird like that?" Dean asked, thereby pronouncing his only line in this story.

"Uh..." Neville flushed red.

"Don't tell me you gave him your shoes!"

"I had no choice!"

"That's kinky, Neville!" Harry groaned.

"No kidding. Gross!" Dean said, making a liar out of me.

"Anyways, let's see if this works. Everybody, gimme your shoes," Harry commanded.

Obediently, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Harry, and Lulu took off their shoes.

"Lulu, you're not part of everybody. Put your shoes back on."

**END OF PART 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

Harry, Seamus, Neville, Dean, and Lulu dumped the pile of shoes in front of Voldemort's lair, then ran for a hiding spot.

"Isn't it convenient that this bush _happens_ to be here!" Seamus shouted, diving behind it.

"Yeah," said Neville. "Growing out of a pair of dirty nickers, no less."

"S'good fertilizer, that," Dean said (damn him). "And it tastes pretty good, too."

Harry shook his head and watched the shoes. A moment or two later, he saw Voldemort step sneakily out of the lair, glancing around and tapping the ends of his long, white fingers together. Then, suddenly, he lunged for the shoes.

"KOWABUNGA!"

He landed amidst them and began quickly trying them all on.

"That's our cue! Let's go!" Lulu whispered. Nobody moved.

"That's our cue! Let's go!" Harry whispered. Everybody moved.

They all ran for the side door of the lair ("Isn't it convenient this door _happens_ to be here!" Seamus said excitedly) and darted inside. Of course, it led into a dark, musty, empty chamber.

"Alright...this is the part of the story where we scare the reader shitless," Harry said.

"Right-o," agreed Seamus.

They walked slowly along the hallway, wands out, peering left and right. Suddenly, a door loomed on their left. Harry reached for doorknob, and pushed the door open...to find nothing.

"Ugh, what's that smell?" Dean asked (I've given up), wrinkling his nose as they backed away from the door and closed it.

"Sorry, I think you guys actually scared me shitless," Neville said.

Rolling his eyes, Harry continued on, soon followed by the others. Suddenly, a door loomed up on their right. Harry reached for the doorknob, and pushed the door open...to find nothing.

"Not again, Neville," Seamus groaned, as they backed away from the door and closed it.

The suspense was killing Harry. Where could Ron possibly be? Another door passed by, and virtually the same thing occured.

"Alright, Harry, the suspense has gone on long enough," Seamus said, backing away from Neville.

"Does anyone mind changing my diaper?" Neville asked in a small voice.

"I will!" Lulu said.

"Anyone?" Neville asked again, sounding dismayed.

"I will! I will!" Lulu chanted.

"Aww...you guys are mean," Neville said, scuffing a toe.

"Yeah, alright, I agree that the suspense is so five minutes ago," Harry said. "Alright...this'll be the door..." He pushed open the door to find...nothing.

"HARRY!" Dean roared. "That's ENOUGH!"

"I couldn't resist!" Harry replied.

"Mind you resist this time," Seamus said grumpily. "I think I need a clothespin."

"You think it smells bad from there, you should try standing over here," Neville said miserably.

"Okay guys, this is it..." Harry breathed. He pushed open the door and...THERE WAS BELLATRIX LESTRANGE!

"Did we rehearse this scene?" demanded Seamus.

"I think so," Dean replied. "I'm pretty sure this is the part where we yell, 'OMYGOD!' and run."

"Aww...Harry gets to be the hero _again_?"

"Yeah, man. That's why the series is called 'Harry Potter'."

"Whatever."

"I AM A CRAZY NUTCASE!" Bellatrix shrieked. Clearly, she was stark-raving mad.

"Don't test her, mates," Ron said fearfully, from his perch on the toilet seat in the corner. "She force-fed me laxatives..." There was a loud farting sound, then a _plop._

"Hey, Ron, mind if I empty my underwear in there?" Neville asked hopefully. Everybody ignored him...except Bellatrix.

"I know you, my dear," she said, as Neville recoiled. "Yeah...you're the one who shits his pants whenever someone opens the door!" Neville sniffed.

"I have...Runny Bowel Syndrome," he explained. "It's a medical thing. I can't help it."

"Sure you can. Pinch it off, next time," Dean choked. The smell was getting overwhelming, between Ron and Neville.

"ANYways," Harry began. "We're here to rescue Ron. So if you don't mind...we'll just...take him and...go?"

"Yeah, right on," Bellatrix said, waving a dismissive hand. "As long as you give me a new kidnap victim to take his place."

"Er...alright," Harry said.

Ron ran over to join them, and they all departed, except for Lulu, because she was left behind by default.

Suddenly, Voldemort stormed in the door.

"These _shoes!_" he screeched. "Not well taken care of at _all_!"

Bellatrix grinned.

"I got rid of the runty kid," she told him. "Meet...what's your name again?"

"Lulu."

"Oh...kay. So this chick...what's your name again?"

"Lulu!"

"Er...right, so anyways, we've got a new kidnap victim, and her name is...?"

"LULU!"

"Right, you don't need to yell."

"I WASN'T YELLING!"

"You know, I think you and me are gonna get along just fine," Bellatrix said, nodding approvingly. "Anyways...the reason we had kidnapped Ron was to give him a nice facelift. He has saggy-baggy skin. Y'all want one?"

"What's a facelift?"

So in the end, everybody won. The Gryffindors got rid of Lulu, who wasn't in Gryffindor anyways, Voldemort gave Lulu a facelift, Micheal Jackson did a concert in L.A. and had potatoes thrown at him, and Ron was back safe and sound.

And Neville changed his underwear.

**THE END!**


End file.
